Jan. 17th, 2012

blood_winged: (USxUK - Comfort)
Last year, I met a girl.

She was a funny, charming, intelligent, if slightly naive person with a big personality and a quick temper, but that was okay, because I could always reason with her. I loved her to bits, platonically speaking, and she became my best friend, the person I looked for first when I came online, the person who could always make me smile, the person I went to with all my problems. I spoke to her every day, treating her the same way I treat everyone else.

Then, she started to get possessive of me. Jealous of another friend who I also loved dearly. I could tolerate it, because for the most part it never really came up. I kept those two friends separate in my life and that was fine because they didn't like each other anyway. I would have liked them to like each other, but you can't have everything, right?

I could ignore the possessiveness. I could ignore the jealously. I could even ignore the odd little jabbing comment made towards my other friend. I could shrug it all off because I still cared about this person and I still thought the world of her, even if perhaps I shouldn't have. I wanted to, because I didn't want to lose the friendship.

The first time she told me she had a crush on me I didn't know what to say. I took it in good humour, I thought, but I made it known I didn't feel the same way. At first, I thought she hadn't reacted well, but then later she came back in good spirits and told me that it was fine, and she would just keep on having her crush (I presumed, even if I didn't reciprocate). So everything went along fine for a little while.

But she couldn't just have me as a friend. She wanted something more from me that she could never have.

One day, it became clear that she hadn't been fine with it like I thought. I had allowed her to walk away from me before and let her come back because I cared, and because even though I could let her go without making a fuss, I didn't really want to lose her, but this time I was the one walking away.

And it did hurt. I did feel bad. I did wish it could have happened another way. I would have liked to have stayed friends but she pushed me too far.

I do miss her. It's been months and I miss her. Not how she was at the end but how she was when we were friends. She was a good friend, when that's all she was trying to be.

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November 2012

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