Just to let you know I'm still around.

[blood_winged]

When I first started university I had big plans about what I wanted to do, the things I wanted to achieve. I wanted to get a first class degree, and take a Masters, and maybe one day do a PhD. I wanted to go into teaching.

On Thursday night, I just resigned myself to handing an assignment in late because I put it off for too long, and was left with a choice. Rush it and get it in on time, but probably crap, or hand it in late and lose ten marks. Ten marks that could be the difference between my getting that first class degree or not. I've never handed something in late before. Strangely, I find that I don't care about this.

I'm twenty-one years old, but in my head I never moved past sixteen. I don't feel old enough or prepared enough for this kind of thing, for the idea of needing 'experience' to get a PGCE and for the idea of actually behaving like an adult. I have no doubt that I'm smart enough, and I could do it, if I put my mind to it, but not doing it is a much more comfortable place.

I just don't know what to do. I can't quit now, it would be a waste of three years of my life and a £10,000 debt. Everything I've done in the past five years has geared me towards becoming a teacher. It is what I want to do, I just no longer see myself as able to do it...

On another note, for those who care, I'm working on chapter fourteen and should hopefully have it done tonight. =)

Comments

[in0the0clouds.livejournal.com]

I can't really offer you advice, but I can tell you you're not alone. I'm also 20 with three years of university behind me, and suddenly it looks like my academic life is about to take a turn for the serious. I think it's a good thing, but it also requires a bit of a recommitment to my plans for the future (and I've always been kind of a go-with-the-flow type of person, so my "plans for the future" are really....well, at this point I'd say it's less "my plans for the future" and more "the future's plans for me!") I can also relate to not feeling really prepared or even maybe mature enough for a sudden transition into adulthood. I look at other successful people about my age and think: are they the same as me? Did they wake up one morning as mature adults or are they still kids at heart who've just learned how to deal well with the responsibility? I don’t know if you’re Christian or not, but there’s a passage in the Bible that goes: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” And I’m thinking that this is the “crunch time” we’re starting to feel right now. I dread it, but at the same time I’m excited for it; and it’s the kind of excitement that you felt when you we’re a kid imagining yourself as a capable adult. Now that it’s actually upon us, we’re starting to realize that it’s going to take some work and that we’re not just suddenly going to wake up as different people. There’s no caterpillar-into-butterfly for us; we’re stuck with ourselves. And that really is going to take some work. But I think it’s a good thing. I’m…not prepared for it, but am ready for it. I hope you feel the same way.

…and all of that might have been a letter of encouragement to myself, but I hope maybe you got something out of it too, since I’m clogging up your journal space with it. :P
Even if you didn’t, thanks for inadvertently prompting me to write it. Oh yeah, and: “Hi, my name is horriblelurker whonevercomments. I enjoy your fics, and have been looking forward to ch. 14 for a long time now. I would be wonderfully happy if you were to update! You know your writing delights many Hetalia fans like me, so thanks!”

[blood-winged.livejournal.com]

I can't say I'm prepared or ready, but it's not as if I have a choice - it's going to happen whether I like it or not. All I can do is try not to fall on my arse when it DOES happen. Hmm.

Well hello horriblelurker whonevercomments! XP That's a great name you have there.

[in0the0clouds.livejournal.com]

Ah ah ah! I have no doubt that I'm smart enough, and I could do it, if I put my mind to it
See, you know you're capable. You're not going to fail unless you do it intentionally. And even then, it's not the end of the world. You've got two hands, you're not doomed to wander the earth without a purpose.

Why thank you. I'm glad you like it; I was always teased mercilessly in grade school.
XP

[blood-winged.livejournal.com]

Using my own words against me! Gasp. -3-

[kasumicc.livejournal.com]

You are able to do it, as long as you believe you're capable to do it. As for moving past sixteen...it's not like I did it myself Dx I feel that circumstances will eventually force us, if not to turn into adults, at least to behave like one. Actually, I think it's the latest. And it's not like you have to do it all the time =) I hope so! It's sad to imagine your future as a serious ans stressed adult...

[blood-winged.livejournal.com]

I can't turn into a serious and stressed adult, I'd have to give up writing for lack of the time to do it >.<;